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When things are going well, how do you see the world? How do you behave or respond to others?

And when things go to shit, how do you see the world then? How do you behave or respond?

Today we will focus on the latter, as we are living in a global pandemic, in case you haven't heard, and things are basically going to shit for a lot of people.

(Although I want to call out that there are also people who are actually thriving under these conditions).

When we are under a lot of stress, or experiencing some form of conflict, we humans actually have predictable tendencies of seeing the world, thinking, and behaving.

Let’s see what tendencies you have.

Read the items below and note which items you agree with (no limit to how many you agree with in each column or row):

Now, tally the number of agreed items from each COLUMN.

The column whereby you had the most agreements on is considered your "prominent neurotic trend" or what you can think of as your coping/defense mechanism.

Note: If you have equal numbers of agree statements in multiple columns, that’s ok, you just have multiple trends, and that’s possible.

The different column corresponds to a different type.

Compliant or “Moving Toward People”
Aggressive or “Moving Against People”
Detached or “Moving Away from People”

*(Adapted from Dr. Frederick Coolidge and colleagues)*

What are neurotic trends?

Dr. Karen Horney, a pioneer of Humanistic Psychology, described these neurotic trends as “attitudes toward life that provide a feeling of safety and security under times of confusion and distress, but which ultimately stunt growth,” (quote from Dr. Scott Barry Kauffman’s blog). Think of them as defence or coping mechanisms that may then have lasting character trends, or thus "neurotic trends".

Basically, as humans, under normal circumstances, we ALL have each of these needs or world views in certain amounts. A healthy person can flexibly switch between these depending on what they or the situation needs, and doing so actually helps them pursue their goals or values in life.

However, when you are feeling stressed out, the world is feeling unsafe or unpredictable, or you’re experiencing conflict, our brains wants to feel safe and secured, and we may end up going too extreme or too rigid on one of these tendencies.

Here’s an example from my own life. I’m normally a very extroverted person who enjoys being in the company of others, cracking jokes, making people laugh, likes to lead others or dictate what should be done, when and how.

However, last year, when I was undergoing a health crisis, I went the opposite of not wanting to ever see anyone, hated small talk even more, ignored all networking/connection requests even from colleagues I actually knew, not speak up when I was not ok with something at a work meeting…practically imploding and just being detached completely from the world.

I basically went from my normal tendencies of “Aggressive” to my tendencies under stress of “Detached”.

Again, we ALL have these needs in some form or another, but it becomes an issue under the following circumstances. (From Dr. Kauffman’s blog:)

“The biggest indication that a basic need has developed in a neurotic direction is the compulsive nature of the need. In the grip of a neurotic striving, we are often unaware of the extent to which it is determining and taking over our life. The compulsive nature of neurotic trends often has two main characteristics:

Neurotic trends are often pursued indiscriminately (e.g., we must have everyone like us, even if we don’t like a person),

Thwarting of the neurotic trend in any situation often leads to panic and anxiety (e.g., a person with a compulsive need for unlimited freedom panics at the slightest hint of a tie, whether it’s marriage or the need to sign a contract for a gym membership).

As Horney points out, neurotic trends serve an immensely important function in maintaining a sense of safety and security, which is why such individuals feel great terror if their neurotic trend is threatened in any way. They are soothing illusions.”

The problem is when we overdo it. This way of thinking or being in the world may serve to sooth us, but when it becomes an enduring pattern of interpreting the world and responding to the environment in a way that causes "significant impairment or distress," sabotaging yourself from your goals, and not moving in the direction of life that you value, then these trends become a problem for your growth and relationships.

The Three Neurotic Trends

Compliance or “Moving Toward People”

“Having what is known as the “compliant” personality, these people appease others at any personal cost including self-subordination and the shedding of individuality. They evaluate themselves by what others think and become overly dependent on other people for love and safety.”

”Horney believed that these people gain a feeling of support and belonging which minimizes their feelings of weakness and isolation. However, in doing so, they accept their own helplessness, and can only feel safe and secure when they win the affection of others and their support.”

”The element of basic anxiety, helplessness, is overemphasized in this way of living.”

These are the people who need constant validation from others, and may not have their own opinion or at least voice what they actually want. They are overly caring of others’ needs that they may have no boundaries. They care A LOT what other people think, and may delay decisions unless they hear from everyone and consider everyone’s feelings. Some words to describe this type are “needy” or “suck-up”, and they can become tiring to be with.

Aggressive or “Moving Against People”

“Having the “aggressive” personality, these individuals automatically distrust other people’s feeling and intentions, and rebel in whatever way they can. They accept the hypocrisy and hostility around them, and determine, consciously or unconsciously, to fight.

They distrust the feelings and intentions of others toward themselves, tend to have a “jungle” worldview, and are prone to an authoritarian personality.

”They want to be the stronger person at all times and defeat others, partly for their own protection, and partly for revenge. The element of hostility is overemphasized in this way of living.”

Some manifestations of this type is where someone talks nonstop over others or becomes overly dramatic, wants to control others and think their way is the only right way, they seem overly self-confident, or may be mischievous or devious. There is also a deep sense of distrust towards others and the world, and others intentions towards them. The world is not a safe place to them. Some words to describe this type are “asshole”, “bitch”, and they may seem to always be picking fights with you or think that others are thwarting their will and freedom.

Detached or “Moving Away from People”

“Finally, having the “detached” personality, these people do not have feelings of belonging or the desire to fight, but prefer to be kept apart from other people. Instead, they are more concerned with distancing themselves from others, but in doing so they are also estranged from themselves.”

”They consciously and unconsciously avoid emotional involvement with others and display an exaggerated need for self-sufficiency. They build up a world of their own with nature, dolls, books, and dreams. The element of isolation is emphasized.”

This is the type who may subscribe to “I am an island” mentality (vs “No man is an island”). Some words to describe this type are “aloof”, “avoidant”, "cold," and there seems to be a wall around them that you can’t seem to crack, and they seem disengaged with humanity or feelings.

Which is your dominant type? Can you see yourself or parts of yourself in any of these descriptions? Remember that we all have needs for belonging, needs to communicating frustration and anger, and needs for solitude from time to time. It's the excessive, compulsive, or rigidity of any of these that causes problems.

If your behaviour or belief system aren't leading to the goals that you want or values that you aspire to live, then they are hindering you from living your full potential and becoming your whole, best self.

Reminder that if you are high on any of these types, that is OK, YOU ARE HUMAN. First step is awareness at all, and the next step is to prevent it from blocking you from how you want to live and your goals.

Today's Reflection and Action

(Adapted from Dr. Kauffman’s Transcend course exercise)

Based on your prominent type (or the one you choose to focus on first):

How do these beliefs and behaviours help you?

Even “unhealthy” or “neurotic” things people do serves some form of function or has been rewarding in the past, that’s why it’s there in the first place! We want to acknowledge how it has help you generally or in the past.

On the other hand, how might they get in the way of you living your values and getting closer to your goals in life?

How can you continue to challenge these beliefs and free yourself so that you can become the person you most wish to become?

Which is your prominent neurotic type and how as it been getting in your way? Share it with me, your partner, bestie, or team!

Until next time, Transcenders!

~Pylin

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P.P.S. I’d love to hear from you! Let me know if you love a topic, don’t like a topic, want to hear about a certain topic. I’m all about learning from others and connecting! Email link below or pylin@drpylin.com

What you may be doing that estranges others and blocks you from your own goals

Compliant or “Moving Toward People”
Aggressive or “Moving Against People”
Detached or “Moving Away from People”

Compliance or “Moving Toward People”

Aggressive or “Moving Against People”

Detached or “Moving Away from People”

Today's Reflection and Action

Further Reading

Compliant or “Moving Toward People”Aggressive or “Moving Against People”Detached or “Moving Away from People”

Compliance or “Moving Toward People”

Aggressive or “Moving Against People”

Detached or “Moving Away from People”

Today's Reflection and Action

Further Reading

Compliant or “Moving Toward People”
Aggressive or “Moving Against People”
Detached or “Moving Away from People”