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Do you want a super simple skill that can boost your happiness, well-being, and can even help you live longer?
Say no more Pylin, what is it!?
Ok, before I tell you, let’s try the following exercise to see what you do.
Scenario: Let’s say you’re in the middle of going through your backlog of work emails, and your partner or best friend barges in and announces, “I got a promotion today!”
How do you usually respond?
Relationship researchers have categorized these types of responses to good news into 2 dimensions resulting in 4 response styles.
2 Dimensions:
Constructive vs Destructive Responding
Active vs Passive Responding
4 response styles:
Research has shown that
in responding to good news,
the Active-Constructive Response style is
the only style that is associated with
increased well-being for both the sharer and responder,
and improves relationship quality.
So not only is the sharer feeling validated about their good news (because sharing good news is really about sharing their strengths, and you are validating that), you, the responder, will also experience positive emotions when you respond in this manner. And this positive emotions in both people makes your relationship stronger.
Note: If the examples here are not enough for you to understand what Active-Constructive Responding (vs other styles) look like, see the video at the bottom in the "Further Reading/Viewing" section of my newsletter.
But Pylin, I’m not the type of person who responds that way! I’m a person of few words, and don't tend to get enthusiastic.
Well guess what, IT IS A SKILL YOU CAN LEARN TO DO. "It’s a learned skill to be with someone in their good news,” says Jordyn Feingold, Co-Founder of the Positive Medicine program.
Sure, if it’s not “natural” for you to do this at first, that is normal. Think back to when you had to learn something new; it’s always a bit awkward and clunky at first, and then you practice and it gets easier and more natural.
But wait, how is Active Constructive Responding the skill that helps me with my well-being and help me live longer? Doesn't this just make the other person feel good?
Practicing Active Constructive Responding helps you create closer and stronger relationships with your partner, family, colleagues, supervisors, etc.
And in turn, close relationships is the key factor that helps you live a happier and longer life!
In a rare 75-year study, researchers have found that...
Note that it’s not the number of relationships you have that predicts this long, healthy, and satisfied life; it’s about the quality of your relationships. There are people in long-term marriages or who have a lot of friends who still feel lonely.
So you can have, say, one best friend in the whole world and you never feel lonely because of this one person, then you will benefit from the positive effects of close relationship more than having 100 shallow friends (or, say, Instagram followers).
Today's Action
Pick one person in your life that you want to create a closer and stronger relationship with.
When this person shares good news with you, think ACTIVE CONSTRUCTIVE responding or MAGNIFY THEIR EXCITEMENT!
Make eye contact with the person sharing the news.
Stop what you are doing.
Respond by first focusing ONLY ON THEM
don’t immediately start talking about yourself, your experience, your good news, etc.
don’t immediately focus on yourself and think “oh good for them, but sucks for me, how come I don’t get a promotion?” and then go into your own insecurity or self-pity spiral.
But if you do, catch yourself doing it, stop, and turn the focus outward to this person sharing. Bask in the their success, and as you start focusing on them, asking them more questions, you will naturally feel more positive emotions, and the immediate insecurity negative spiral should go away or at least be kept at bay
Respond without using the word but.
And related words are not allowed either: however, whereas, yet, then again, on the other hand
Let them finish sharing the news entirely. Once they are finish, THEN ask questions to expand on it (vs interrupting them as they’re trying to tell you their news)
Side note: I’m totally guilty of this, I don’t let them finish and jump right into asking a million questions as they’re trying to share their news. I have to learn to shut up and let them speak.
Don’t let the sharer feel the need to say this:
*Bonus* Today's Reflection:
After you try out Active Constructive Responding (ACR) for awhile (at least with the same person), reflect on the following:
When you were successful at ACR:
How did they react to my response?
Do you notice any changes in the quality of this connection?
How much effort did this take, and does this impact you?
If you didn’t quite nail the ACR:
What gets in the way of my reaction to their good news? (e.g., being too busy?)
What could I have done or said that would have been better?
Who are you committed to trying Active Constructive Responding to? Share it with me or your family, friends, or colleagues!
Until next time, Transcenders!
~Pylin
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P.P.S. I’d love to hear from you! Let me know if you love a topic, don’t like a topic, want to hear about a certain topic. I’m all about learning from others and connecting! Email link below or pylin@drpylin.com
Further Reading & Viewing
Watch a video example of the four different types of responding
Masters of Love: Science says lasting relationships come down to—you guessed it—kindness and generosity.
I actually don’t like the title of this article, it’s not really about kindness and generosity.
In this article, the famous couples researcher and therapist, Dr. John Gottman, talks about Active Constructive Responding in romantic relationships.
What makes a good life? Lessons from the longest study on happiness
TED Talk: What keeps us happy and healthy as we go through life? If you think it's fame and money, you're not alone – but, according to psychiatrist Robert Waldinger, you're mistaken. As the director of a 75-year-old study on adult development, Waldinger has unprecedented access to data on true happiness and satisfaction. In this talk, he shares three important lessons learned from the study as well as some practical, old-as-the-hills wisdom on how to build a fulfilling, long life.
The secret to living longer may be your social life
TED Talk: The Italian island of Sardinia has more than six times as many centenarians as the mainland and ten times as many as North America. Why? According to psychologist Susan Pinker, it's not a sunny disposition or a low-fat, gluten-free diet that keeps the islanders healthy -- it's their emphasis on close personal relationships and face-to-face interactions. Learn more about super longevity as Pinker explains what it takes to live to 100 and beyond.