Is it high self-esteem or narcissism?

In the last post, I went deep into whether Self-Affirmations can help with someone's (low) self-esteem. But I realize we didn't even discuss what self-esteem really is!

Although we all have a general understanding of what it is, one thing I find very helpful as a psychological scientist and coach is to get more specific, for both a psychological phenomenon and even what something means or manifests for a client. The higher the specificity, the clearer we understand what it is we are dealing with, what the problem really is, and how to actually try to fix it if necessary.

So this post is to help you determine whether you or someone you know has a high self-esteem or have narcissistic tendencies.

My favourite part...a quiz! Read the following statements and note which one is true for you.

I like myself.
I am highly effective at the things I do.
I like being the most popular person at a party.
I often feel as if I need compliments from others in order to be sure of myself.
I am a worthwhile human being.
I am almost always able to accomplish what I try for.
I tend to take charge of most situations.
I often hide my needs for fear that others will see me as needy and dependent.
I am very comfortable with myself.
I often fulfill my goals.
When people judge me, I just don't care.
I get angry when criticized.
I have enough respect for myself.
I deal well with challenges in my life.
I deserve to receive special treatment.
It irritates me when people don't notice how good a person I am.

Note: Don't take this as a legit diagnostic psychological tool; use it as more informational for yourself (plus, there are actually more items for some of the scales not listed here).

Items 1, 5, 9, and 13 make up the Self-Worth dimension of Self-Esteem

Items 2, 6, 10, and 14 make up the Mastery dimension of Self-Esteem

Items 3, 7, 11, and 15 make up Grandiose Narcissism

Items 4, 8, 12, and 16 make up Vulnerable Narcissism

Yep, turns out there are TWO dimensions of Self-Esteem and TWO types of Narcissism!

SELF-ESTEEM

So what is self-esteem? Self-esteem is one of the basic human needs that we all have (recall Maslow's hierarchy of needs). Broadly, it's your attitude towards yourself, and your basic sense of self-worth.

Modern research shows that there are two dimensions for self-esteem; Self-worth and Mastery.

SELF-WORTH

Self-worth is "the evaluation of your overall sense of self: Are you fundamentally a good person with social value in this world?"

Now, confident people may like to say that they don't care about the judgement of others. However, at the core, humans are social animals, so the judgement we have of ourselves frequently relates to others' judgements of us, of our social value, or at least our perceptions of our social value.

Some researchers have explained this from an evolutionary standpoint. Humans evolved in small tribes, and if you are rejected from your tribe, you're basically dead. So at one point, humans have developed an "internal, subjective gauge of interpersonal acceptance and rejection," that monitors what others think of us, or our social value. They argue that the need to maintain self-esteem isn't about maintaining self-esteem in itself per se; it's about maintaining behaviours that will decrease the likelihood of being rejected by others, or conversely, to maintain behaviours that will increase one's social value to increase the likelihood of being accepted.

There are two types of social values that we can have:

Relational social value = this is the degree to which you see your relationship with others as valuable or important. Think of it like the relationship for the relationship sake, like (most) friendship.
Instrumental social value = this is the degree to which you see yourself as possessing characteristics or resources that confer benefits to others in society in general.

Here's the difference between the two in more concrete terms. Let's say you and a group of people are stranded in the forest, and you're the only person in the group who knows how to make fire. You would possess maximum instrumental social value. However, if you're an asshole to the rest of the group, your relational social value can be minimum.

So in some people with high self-esteem, they possess a high level of self-worth as they tend to like themselves, and also view themselves as possessing high levels of relational social value.

The interesting thing is that, your own perception of your social value may or may not be aligned to what people actually think. So in this scenario, you may be accurate in perceiving that you have high instrumental social value (ability to make fire), because if we were to ask people in the group to vote, they would agree. However, you may be an ignorant asshole and perceive that everyone likes to hang out with you in general beyond your fire making abilities (ie., you think you have high relational social value), but turns out people think you're an asshole (low relationship social value).

Dr. Mark Leary calls the internal calibration of your social value or a "mechanism that monitors and responds to cues that reflect social acceptance and rejection" a "sociometer." This meter can be set too high or too low.

Take an example of a sociometer that is set too high (see image below). This means, you may think everyone loves you and you're the shit (solid line as your internal point of relational social value), but turns out if you actually asked people whether they liked you or not, it's lower than you think (dashed line as "real" level of relational value). We'll come back to this when self-esteem can be come a problem, and how it relates to narcissism.

MASTERY

The dimension of self-esteem people may not be aware of as much is Mastery.

Mastery is "the evaluation of your overall sense of agency: Are you an intentional being who can bring about your desired goals by exercising your will?". If yes, then you have a high sense of mastery, and thus self-esteem.

(For psych nerds, this concept maps directly to Bandura's concept of self-efficacy, or the person's belief in their ability to succeed in a particular situation or skill. Bandura's conceptualization of self-efficacy is more domain specific, whereas mastery is more about the global, generalized sense of self-efficacy, i.e. "I'll do well at anything I put my mind and effort to.")

One cool thing about the mastery dimension of self-esteem is, the more success you have in progressing towards or achieving your goals, the more mastery you feel, which makes you more confident to tackle more goals, which can lead to more successes, and becomes a positive spiral into a "stable sense of mastery."

Related to the two types of social values, mastery is associated with the instrumental social value. "Those with high mastery tend to have traits that confer greater social status in their society due to their usefulness to others--not necessarily the characteristics that are valued in a friend, family member, or social group."

In our previous example, the fire maker could possess high levels of self-esteem because he feels a high sense of mastery in fire-making.

So looking back to your scores above, did you score high on both? Higher on one vs the other? How do you think that plays into your sense of your self-esteem?

I personally think that the Mastery domain is harder to "fake" because it involves an actual mastery in some type of skill, or you have to have evidence of successes in order to have proof of that. However, the Self-Worth domain is in a way easier to change because, as you saw above, it's not necessarily related to what people ACTUALLY think of you, but what you THINK others think of you! So in a way, YOU have control over that part of what story you tell about yourself in terms of whether others like you or now, and the evidence you look for in the world to feed into that positive (vs negative) story related to self-worth.

WHEN DOES SELF-ESTEEM BECOME A PROBLEM?

I want to first point out that some people think that high or too high self-esteem equals being narcissistic. Let's bust that myth right now. It's not.

I will share more about the differences in the next section, but right now, let's focus on when self-esteem becomes a problem.

High self-esteem isn't a problem (because it doesn't equate to narcissism).

Self-esteem becomes a problem when the pursuit of this need becomes an obsession. When someone becomes "too focused on improving one's self-esteem," it's basically "an indication that something has gone awfully wrong in self-regulation and well-being." As humans, we have many needs in our lives, and when self-esteem becomes the core concern compared to other needs, it's actually an indicator that one's self-esteem has become unhealthy. Their self-esteem tank is quickly depleting or depleted, and they have become "highly insecure, unstable, and highly dependent on the validation of others."

People with legitimately high or good levels of self-esteem don't think about it or focus on it or broadcast it, because it's just there. But those who are severely lacking it would be talking about or concern about this nonstop. Worse is, the energy these folks are putting into trying to build, find, gather self-esteems is otherwise not used for more "productive" things, such as becoming a better parent or growing their business skills.

What about low self-esteem?

One thing to note is that, the data shows that having low levels of self-esteem is actually rare; most people are in the middle or high range. So you may actually be at the middle range but think you're low!

In fact, psychologists now think that people who claim to have "low" self-esteem may actually have a hypersensitive sociometer. In this case, maybe their self-esteem is normally medium or high but one single bad comment from a friend throws it back down to almost zero. So it's more about these people having an "uncertain" self-esteem or self-concept (a sociometer that swings back and forth dramatically), rather than a universally "low" self-esteem.

For these people, instead of having a strong core of self-concept of who they are, what they believe in, and what they're good at, they have "views about themselves [containing] contradictions and inconsistencies, and they simply have fewer definite beliefs about what they are like" compared to others. Thus, they are more easily susceptible to external sources of feedback from others, or more susceptible to the one time they did something "wrong" or "bad", compared to their entire lifetime's worth of evidence that they did things "right" or "good".

Which means their sociometer is miscalibrated.

(Today's Actions will talk about how to recalibrate your sociometer if you find yourself in some of these descriptions and want to work on it.)

NARCISSISM

Narcissism is NOT excessively high self-esteem.

Narcissism is characterized by a strong sense of entitlement, grandiose fantasies (both positive and negative, for example, "I'm the most amazing/fragile person in the world."), and exploitativeness.

So you can have high self-esteem by having a strong sense of self-worth and mastery, and not feel that you are better than others, entitled, have grandiose fantasies, or exploit others.

Narcissism emerges as a way to regulate one's need to maintain self-esteem, but in an unhealthy way, and has a different developmental history (i.e., how it forms in childhood) from high self-esteem.

Those with high self-esteem tend to be raised in a family with high parental warmth; their parents or primary caregivers were a source of secure base for them; the primary caregivers were always there for them emotionally, and showered them with love.

But this is not the case for those who develop the two types of narcissism; Grandiose and Vulnerable Narcissism.

GRANDIOSE NARCISSISM

This is the one where most people think of when we say "narcissism." People who possess grandiose narcissism tend to be "brash, boastful, noisy, and always demanding to be in the spotlight."

These people may have had parents who overvalued them as children. Instead of just showering them with love, they also peppered in messages of greatness and specialness. For example, "You're the most special kid in the universe" or "You're so special, and one day you will take over the world."

Interestingly, Grandiose Narcissism tend to have a mixture of productive and unproductive traits.

For productive traits, they tend to be assertive, have a drive for leadership, and have the ability to influence others, which are traits associated with leadership, reaching one's goals, having impact, and even feeling satisfied and happy in one's life. This is why, in corporations, it may be hard to assess who's a leader with a healthy, high self-esteem vs a leader with Grandiose Narcissism. (However, during an interview or your interactions with them, if you dig deeper to get a better sense of why they are doing what they do (languages around entitlement), and see patterns of exploitation, then you may be able to distinguish the two.)

For unproductive traits, they mainly care about instrumental social value of themselves and others, so they focus on their own social status and fame, and "use" other people for their own benefit. For example, people with grandiose narcissism may "befriend" you not because they like you as a person, but that they see you as having some kind of instrumental value, that they can "use" you for some kind of benefit.

Conversely, they don't care much about relational social value, so they don't need others to see them as a likeable person. This is probably someone who will endorse the quote, "I'd rather be respected than liked." Plus, people may tolerate their exploitation, rudeness, or abuse because they have such high instrumental social value. One example I can think of is a story about a lead doctor at a well-known hospital, whereby everyone can agree that she's a total bitch and no one wants to work with her, and she makes people feel miserable. However, she is incredibly smart and brings in tons of grant money and fame to the hospital, so people tolerate her abuse.

Grandiose narcissism is closely linked to high levels of perfectionism (read more about perfectionism in an earlier post here.) Recall that some characteristics of perfectionists are their "all-or-nothing" thinking and excessively high standards. People with grandiose narcissism tend to see people in black or white terms, mainly as winners or losers in life. They may impose their excessively high standards on others, and if others don't 100% reach those expectations, they will not tolerate these perceived flaws and show their dissatisfaction. They also impose these views on themselves, but in the positive direction; they may see themselves as perfect or have fantasies of achieving perfection, at the levels that can be akin to an addiction (to feelings of high self-esteem).

Remember that these characteristics are there for the person to try to maintain their self-esteem, but it's an unhealthy way to do so. What's been found with grandiose narcissists is that they may think that "they are superior to others, [but] they don't necessarily like themselves all that much as a whole person." Moreover, those with high levels of grandiose narcissism also "reported a weak sense of self, self-alienation, a greater likelihood of accepting external influence, and higher levels of experiential avoidance." Moreover, their energy is wasted in trying to defend their superior self-image at all costs, instead of freeing that energy to just be and accept who they are, and use it in more productive areas of life.

(Conversely, those with high self-esteem shows a "greater sense of connection with one's own self.")

One thing to note is that, if you happen to score high on the mini-version of the grandiose narcissism scale above, it doesn't mean you're doomed or a narcissistic asshole! Nothing in humanity is really a binary, 0 or 1 thing, there are degrees of it. So if you scored yourself high on this, it's good to be aware that you may have grandiose narcissistic tendencies, and monitor yourself whether your thought patterns, emotional patterns, and behaviours are helping or hindering your multiple goals in life, and how your behaviours may be impacting others people, if you in fact care about them.

VULNERABLE NARCISSISM

This one is more insidious because it's not as obvious that it's a manifestation of narcissism, and most people are not aware of its existence. Heck, I have been studying psychology for almost 20 years and I just learned about this! (To be fair, I didn't study much abnormal psychology.)

Similar to Grandiose Narcissism, those with Vulnerable Narcissism have a strong sense of entitlement, and exploitativeness. However, they are coming from the low or uncertain self-esteem side of things.

Like those with low self-esteem, those with Vulnerable Narcissism have a miscalibrated sociometer of their own self-worth. However, they have developed unhealthy defense mechanisms to protect their self-esteem and from the potential pain of social rejection.

Similar to Grandiose Narcissism, they also have "grandiose" fantasies but in the opposite direction. For example, they may think, "I'm the most fragile person in the world." And because of this special levels of fragility, they deserve special treatment. So it's an inferior complex of "Because I'm sooo much weaker than others, I deserve to be treated better than others."

The other major difference for Vulnerable Narcissists is that they possess an "extreme sensitivity to slights and a deep sense of shame over their grandiose desires that leads [them] to despise the spotlight." Because of this, it's not as obvious that someone has a form of narcissism, as it doesn't match what the general public think of when they think narcissism (i.e., Grandiose Narcissism). Deep down, they foster a sense of hostility and distrust towards other, due to their own "negative thoughts about themselves and others...rooted in traumatic childhood experiences."

Instead of growing up with a secure base and love from their primary caregivers, they may have had a traumatic childhood, one where someone else' needs were more important than theirs. Or they may have had parents who taught them that they're unworthy or crush their healthy need for ambition. For example, the child might have said, "I want to be an astronaut when I grow up!" but the parent responds, "No way you will never be. You're not smart enough."

Unlike grandiose narcissism, Vulnerable Narcissism basically mainly has unproductive traits and life outcomes:

hairpin triggers of shame and reactive hostility
a constant need and feeling of entitlement for validation, respect, and attention from others, and feels resentment if not appreciated
unhealthy views with needs; hiding their felt needs, and being passive aggressive in expressing their needs, apologizing for asserting their needs
hiding their perceived weaknesses
suppressing emotions (because they are afraid of their feelings)
holding infantile fantasies
projecting responsibility onto others
avoidance of situations that may activate such triggers, or isolating themselves from people who offers help
distrust and cynicism about people’s true intentions
engage in impulsive behaviours to regain control (i.e., eating to feel better)

One of the traits seems potentially productive, "an excessive need to help others in order to feel good about oneself." We don't necessarily think someone who is eager to help others is a narcissist. But they could be a vulnerable narcissist as they are doing it with the end of goal of trying to feel good about themselves, vs really wanting to help the other person. So this is a form of exploitation. And if you reject their help, they may become hostile towards you.

As for life outcomes, Vulnerable Narcissism is related with lower levels of:

life satisfaction
autonomy
authenticity
mastery
personal growth
positive social relationships
purpose
self-acceptance in life

And a "lack of trust in one’s thoughts and feelings, and a profound lack of a sense of self."

Similar to Grandiose Narcissists, Vulnerable Narcissists have perfectionistic tendencies. However, it manifests as an "obsessive concern over whether [they are] coming across as imperfect to others, as well as perceiving others as demanding perfection of oneself."

SUMMARY

In summary, self-esteem is related to but distinct from narcissism.

Self-esteem is your attitude towards yourself, and your basic sense of self-worth. It's a basic human need, so having a high self-esteem is good. It's only "bad" when the individual becomes obsessed with building it up, as it's an indication that there is something seriously wrong with their levels of self-esteem.

There are two dimensions of Self-Esteem; Self-Worth and Mastery.

Self-Worth is whether you see yourself as a fundamentally good and worthy person with (social) value in the world.

Mastery is whether you feel an overall sense of agency; that you can make shit happen, and bring about your desired goals.

Those with low self-esteem is rare, it's more that people may have an uncertain self-esteem, where their sociometer is hypersensitive and swings back and forth drastically based on one thing happening or one feedback. It shows that the person doesn't have a strong core sense of who they are, their strengths, their beliefs, so opinions of others or external influences can have a large influence on how they feel about themselves.

There are two types of Narcissism; Grandiose and Vulnerable Narcissism.

Grandiose Narcissism may look like someone with a high self-esteem, but it's not the case because it's an unhealthy defense mechanism to protect a fragile superior self-image (any one thing can topple their sense of self over). Those with Grandiose Narcissism also think that they are better or more entitled than others (vs those with high self-esteem isn't interested in entitlement). There are both positive and negative aspects of Grandiose Narcissism as it relates to the ability to influence others, reach one's goals, and have impact. But this may be at the expense of others.

Vulnerable Narcissism is related to but distinct from low self-esteem or uncertain self-esteem, because it's also an unhealthy defense mechanism to protect a fragile self-image of someone who is unworthy of love and belonging (so they go on the offense before they are rejected, or avoid the situation all together). They feel they are entitled to better treatment because they are so fragile. There are basically only negative aspects of Vulnerable Narcissism as it leads to be overly sensitive and hostile to anything that seems like a criticism (which could be a useful feedback for growth), constantly hiding their needs and perceived weaknesses (which then leads to the needs not being met, or ending up in situations they may not want to be in), and avoidance of conflict (which could've been an opportunity to understand the other person better, which can promote a sense of belonging). Basically, their behaviours of trying to not be socially rejected are like self-fulfilling prophecies that are actually making them feel disconnected from themselves, and disconnect from others, which then actually lead to a lack of belonging and love, the thing they want in the first place.

So with this, I hope you now know the difference between healthy high self-esteem vs unhealthy Grandiose Narcissism, and the nuances of what makes up your self-esteem, and the different types of narcissism.

TODAY'S ACTIONS

If you seem to have high self-esteem, that's awesome! Keep rocking it!

If you seem to have low self-esteem, you may actually have an uncertain self-esteem and your sociometer may be hypersensitive.

You may first want to determine if you are low on the Self-Worth or Mastery dimension(s) of Self-Esteem.
If you're low on Self-Worth:
- You can try to recalibrate your sociometer in this area by talking to your trusted friends and families to help you see that you are a person of worth. You can also instead talk to a coach or therapist.
- You can also try the correct types of self-affirmations exercises noted in my previous post.
- Or you can try practicing gratitude, as it has been shown to increase self-worth. List 3-10 things and 1-5 people you're grateful for each day. This is not a one-time thing, that's why it's called a "practice."
If you're low on Mastery, you can focus on areas that you are capable in, vs focus on areas or domains that you haven't been as successful in. Or, you can actually practice more and more in those weaker domains such that you will gain mastery in it. You can also talk to your friends to help remind you of which domains you DO have mastery in.

If you seem to have Grandiose Narcissistic tendencies:

Keep the productive parts of being assertive, going after your goals and making things happen.
Start to calibrate who and how much other people matter to you. One colleague of mine who's a therapist mentioned that, those with Grandiose Narcissism don't tend to seek therapy because they think other people are the problem. It's only when it becomes extreme such that no one in their life is left talking to them do they start noticing that maybe something they are doing is wrong, and thus seek help, but it may be too late. So you don't want to end up at that point and be alone.
If you actually seek to be genuinely respected, admired, and liked by others, the goal is to cultivate healthy or authentic pride with real accomplishments and a healthy, calibrated self-esteem, vs a hubristic pride that is about bragging and boasting, and accomplishments gained at the expense of others.
Recalibrate your need to protect your superior self-image at all cost. As humans, we are not perfect, so when you hear negative feedback from others, consider it and use it as a data point to improve, vs rejecting it as not-aligned to your perfect image of yourself.
There is a risk of disconnecting from your own, authentic self, if you try too hard to build up and maintain a (false) grandiose image of yourself (only focusing on the positive side, and bolstering that only), which can lead to a sense of not liking yourself, and wasted mental energy used to uphold this image at all costs (instead of using it to address other needs you have in life, or to work on some dream project).

If you seem to have Vulnerable Narcissistic tendencies:

First realize that this may stem from a hypersensitive sociometer. This sociometer has "evolved to detect threats to acceptance and belonging." However, maybe it was miscalibrated or overreacting, so it's necessary to recalibrate or override the system.
As this relates to perfectionistic self-presentation (i.e., not wanting to seem "weak" in front of others), first recognize that it's completely normal to have needs and weaknesses as a human. Moreover, there is a misconception that showing vulnerability or weaknesses will push people away, while in fact that is what can increase social connection.
Moreover, because there are perceptions of others demanding perfection from yourself, you need to test this hypothesis. Is this a story you made up on your own? Did others actually say they demand or expect a certain level of standards from you? "People who actually test their self-beliefs are often shocked to discover just how accepting others are of their imperfections.")
There are also ways to assert your needs in a healthy way, and take responsibility for your actions.
- A healthy, assertive style of communication is where:
  - You "express your needs, wants, feelings directly and honestly; allow others to hold opposing views without dismissing them.
  - You realize that "others' needs are just as important as your own; everyone has something valuable to contribute."
  - "You and others keep [each other's] self-respect; express yourself without have to win all the time."
- On the contrary, one unhealthy communication style is the passive-aggressive style, whereby:
  - You intentionally “[fail] to meet expectations of others by forgetting, being delayed, or other ‘deniable’ means” or you “deny personal responsibility for actions.”
  - You think that "you are entitled to get your own way despite commitment to others.”
  - You “fear rejection if you were more assertive…[and] fear confrontation” and you are “resentful of demands of others.”
  - You basically want to “get your own way without taking responsibility.”
You can also start focusing on who's judgement or feedback you actually care about. Every human on earth? Or only a few people who you respect and love?
Start taking responsibility for your actions, or start to see what role you played in co-creating the situation you find yourself in.
Because Vulnerable Narcissism is related to intense, shameful feelings and fear of rejection (including a fear of these feelings) brought about by irrational, extreme, negative thoughts, therapy may help. The types of therapies to look into are cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) to help change the black-or-white or catastrophic thought patterns, dialectical behavioural therapy (DBT) to help regulate intense emotions with acceptance and behavioural change, or acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) to help disarm unhelpful thoughts so it has less grip on you, and then you can act in ways aligned to what you value in life.

Until next time, Transcenders!

~Pylin

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P.P.S. I’d love to hear from you! Let me know if you love a topic, don’t like a topic, want to hear about a certain topic. I’m all about learning from others and connecting! Email link below or pylin@drpylin.com